i’m not who i was before.
and that’s okay.

i am learning to take off the labels and discover who i am. to indirectly quote my phenomenal therapist, i am focusing on “who i am” rather than “what i do”.

before, i ignored my needs, i pushed down my feelings. i didn’t take care of me. it was easier to focus on others than to try to work through the mess that is my own mind. i knew the coping skills. i knew that my thought processes were unhelpful, but i didn’t know anything different. i didn’t reach out on bad days because i felt like a burden. i’m a school counselor, i thought, i should know how to apply the skills i’m teaching. i should have it all together.

i still wrestle with a lot of that, but i am learning to hold space for it. it’s still easier to focus on anything but myself, but i can say that i am actively trying. therapy is no longer just 45 minutes of me placating my therapist and avoiding sharing what i really want to say. i process and i am able to take away new and effective skills from my sessions.

i’m more authentic with my students. doing this hard work to find me and focus on me has allowed me to be even more empathetic than i thought i was before.

i still isolate. i still struggle. here are still days that i can’t get out of bed, but i try to remind myself that rest is productive. i’m not perfect, but that’s not my goal. my goal is to be my true self, and i am on my way to finding me.